(Note: I originally wrote this piece last September 8. During that point in time, I was confused on what should I do. Eventually, the following day, it seems that my mind was all clear on what I need to do. But it was a momentary bliss. Just a few days after that, I again found myself questioning myself. Should I or shouldn't I? And so by publishing this piece I believe, would stir harsh comments against me. Believe me when I say that I need them. It must also be noted that I had inserted my current insights and happenings.
But it must be also noted that as of this point in time, me and Euqie have already parted ways. She has her boyfriend now, someone much closer to her and I am currently on the process of discernment. I just want to share how things came to be right now.)
Please. Don't ask me why my life's currently complicated. Simply because I cannot find the exact answer to this mind-boggling and heart-wrecking question - like how you asked me why I failed in UP. But I can give my vague reply to your - it just happened.
It was then a very ordinary and boring afternoon. I was then in-charge of the cybrary section of the library. No one was using the computers. I had nothing else to do. I had finished sorting out the log-in/log-out cards alphabetically. I was all by myself and feeling very drowsy.
After what seemed to be hours of solitary confinement, she suddenly came from nowhere - together with a few of her friends. She was the last one to enter the room but she was the only one that I've noticed.
In an instant, my eyes were glued to her. I was suddenly awake and very much alert. My heart started to beat faster. I was completely stunned by her that I had almost forgotten what I need to do. It was like the first time it happened to me: a nerdy boy with thick glasses blushing over a girl whom he met for the first time and fell in love at first sight.
And so for the next hour that she stayed, I found myself getting a few glimpses of her. Sometimes, I would even leave the desk and pretend to do something at near her: check the printer, adjust the air-con and restart the PCs so that I could just get to see her in a 'better' angle.
I must admit that she isn't that beautiful by 'worldly' standards. She doesn't have that perfectly chiseled body wherein guys would surely drool over. It was her sheer simplicity that made her stand out for me.
Unlike most of the girls in my current school, she doesn't wear a make-up on. She wears an ordinary headband to adorn her hair. She even wears eyeglasses that looks very much like mine. When I wear these eyeglasses, I would look like an old and grumpy nerd boy. But on her, it made her eyes more beautiful. It adds up to her unpretentious guise and it is as if a natural part of her totality.
I've thought that this would soon pass out. That it was just one of the many infatuations I had in the past. That after being mesmerized by her presence for an hour, my obsession for her would die a natural death.
Unfortunately, at this point in time, it is still very much alive and is on the brink of blooming into something else.
Having said those things, I guess you have an idea that I won't just have those tingly feelings inside when I see her. There would be a lot of moments in the days after that that I've found myself day dreaming about her. Then as if it was destined to be, a day would almost never pass without seeing her. Ninety-nine percent of the time, it was by sheer coincidence and I really don't know why it happens.
A friend of mine told me that I could have been secretly or unconsciously wishing to see her. I don't know. I don't have the answers and that's what making my life complicated right now (or is it I who makes it complicated, it could be).
It is complicated because I have a girlfriend. Most of you probably know who she is. But before you can judge me, she knows our situation. I've told her about this girl a long time ago. I have told her that she is my crush just the same that she told me that she has a crush too.
Things had gone out of control when we had a major disagreement. Because of my frustrations and anger, the following day after we quarreled, I saw her again. It was on that day, out of tremendous anger boiling up within me, that I had wished to be single so I can court her and become my girlfriend.
I completely knew that it would be the equivalent of being 'babaero.' A two-timer. A man who would easily replace a woman if he's fed up with her. A man who easily breaks down and simply forget his sweet promises of undying love.
It would be a cliche and 'gasgas na dahilan' if I would tell you that I'm just a fragile human being that has his own strengths and weaknesses. But this is what really I am. I am not making any excuses though it seems to be one. I don't want to pretend to be a virtuous man who seems to do only good - well, I am not.
I am but a weak and helpless man that easily falls into temptation.
Now, we are on the brink of breaking up. I am on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I just don't know what to do.
Napakahirap talagang umibig at magmahal. I guess I am still lucky to have been able to keep my love problems away from affecting my studies unlike in the past wherein breakups and being 'basted' always made me cry day and night. Still, I don't know for how long could I keep on going like this. Making choices here is not easy. No one would surely be happy - though someone told me that sometimes happiness can only come out from the most painful experiences that we had.
But I still have to make a choice. I cannot hold two things at the same time with one hand. I cannot have two people staying in my heart.
I just hope that by leaving it all up to Him, he will enlighten my mind and help me choose what would be the best for all of us.
(Postscript: As of now, I have chosen and things are way better than before for the both of us. And right now, I am on discernment while trying to be close to that girl. :D As for Euqie, she's very happy now with her current boyfriend.)