Wednesday, February 24, 2010

0 I'm a BIG FAILURE (Part 2)

To know more about why I have these series of posts, see this article.

I'm sorry if my previous post had been so long that it would have probably bored you to hell. I've tried to shorten it but no matter how hard I try, I felt the need for you to know those things so you can better understand me why I say such weird things in this blog.

Now let me tell you about things that I should have done but didn't because again of fear of the unknown, lack of self-esteem and belief that I should do it rather than stay passive and expect for the worse to come.

To begin with, these are actually the things that I should have done so I did not missed out lots of opportunities that had been coming to me. These are things that I have regretted for not doing it.

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I should have just stayed a little longer in UP and tried to study hard. I should not have given up easily on that one subject that I got a grade of five. I should have not let myself to become affected and disturbed by what happened. I should have instead brushed it off and moved on. After all, I'm still in UP then. But I didn't. So there I am, I was expelled.

I should have never let my father think that it was that progressive, activist group who influenced me not to study well. It was solely my fault. In fact, I was not attending any EDs or meetings after two months of somehow being active. I should have instead proven that I can both study well and be active in that group. But I didn't.

I should have not let myself to fall in love when I was in high school. I should have controlled myself and tried to focus on my studies. I should have not lowered down my defenses. For later on, it had only led me to much deeper troubles, anguish and sorrow that had affected me so much. I should have waited until I have finished college. But I didn't.

I should have been more active in the church organization that I joined in. I should have not let my erratic socialization blues hampered me from getting out of my way to get to know them. I should have not let 'fear of rejection' to rule over me. Changing a big part of me could have been much easier if I had a Christian companion who can constantly remind me of the things that I ought to do as a good Christian Catholic. But I didn't.

I should have been more kind with my words. I should have uttered loving words to lift up those around me. Words that could have been used to praise or compliment someone instead of denouncing them. I should have used the right words so that others may understood me. I should have been truthful in my words and have not spun a web of lies that have only trapped and led me to a stagnant life. But I didn't.

I should have made wiser decisions in the past. Decisions that should have made my life better. I should have not let my emotions took over my intellect. I should have thought a thousand times before I've decided. It should have been that way and my life could have been in better light now. But I didn't.

I should have leaned on my family and friends during the tumultuous phase of my life. They could have given me better advices, better support that I won't get from being alone. But instead, I refused to be helped by them. I had pushed all of them away from me. I let myself suffer alone - which had not been easy. I should have let them know what's happening and helped me get out of the mess I've created. But I didn't.

I should have looked on the brighter side of life. Being pessimistic made me miserable. I have just lost everything. I had been afraid to take on the challenges of life. I have not been able to enjoy my life completely these past few years. I should have not let myself be drowned by my inhibitions, fear and gutlessness to rob me of my chance to live my life to the fullest. But I didn't.

I should have not despised God in the past. This is one of the things I regret the most. I blamed God for everything bad that happened to me. From my failed courtship with my first love to being expelled in UP to falling for the same sin all over again - all of this I've blamed to God. I should have instead been all out in praising Him and offering all of the trials and sufferings that I'm enduring. That would have made my journey lighter. But I didn't.

Things that I should have done. Things that I should not have done.

And so all of this I regret with a heavy heart.

Image Copyright by Jose Dennio P. Lim Jr.

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