I don't know how it started. I just woke up one day having this feeling. I don't know how it's called. But after several years of struggles, missed opportunities, confusion and trials that I never surpassed, I've suddenly realized what is it all about. I've learned a painful truth about myself: I'm a BIG FAILURE - literally and figuratively.
It wasn't just being a failure to my family. What's more painful is that it was also about failing myself.
A lot of times, I failed myself because of missed opportunities. Opportunities that were given to me in a silver platter yet I never grabbed it because of fear of the unknown, lame excuses and lack of faith that this opportunity and chance is really meant for me. And so, I've done it several times and never learned from it.
I missed an opportunity at grade school to become the student government's president. But you can't blame me then since it was an impromptu announcement. They did not inform me before that morning program. And so, like what every child does, I cried because I don't know what to do. But years later, I've regretted that ill decision I made. I'll never had another opportunity like that until I came to college. They offered me to run for as councilor for student council but my academic standing then won't allow me. This leads me to another missed opportunity.
I missed an opportunity to graduate in UP. Before I've entered the university, everyone was of high regard for me. I was supposedly the first one in our family to enter that university. But I failed them and myself. Of course, all of the blame goes to me. It all started with a hunch and ended with my lost of interest to study. After all, it wasn't my dream school. But because of the prestige it has, not to mention the affordable tuition then, I had to study there. Now, I still regret what I had done during my stint at UP. Lots of ifs and could have been are propping up in my mind every time.
I missed an opportunity to excel much better in school. I have admitted this before even to my parents: my enthusiasm and interest for studying has waned over the years. This lost passion I had for studying could be blamed on what I had been doing. Or as what my father had told me, because I had been not focused and tends to do so many things at the same time.
But that is the main reason why I am doing those things: I simply lost the appetite and craving I had for high grades and excellent academic performance that I had in elementary and high school. With this, I don't really have much regrets because it opened me up to more opportunities even if studies was compromised.
I missed an opportunity to become involved in worthy organizations. I would always be enthusiastic at the start. But as days goes by and after few more weeks of mingling with them, 'pagtambay', and joining some activities, I would lose my interest. The reason? Most of the time, I feel that I'm not welcome. But upon much deeper reflection, I've came to realize that I'm not a sociable person. I don't know how to socialize and this is one of the many things that I'm trying to get over now in my present school so that same things that happened to me before in UP won't have its repeat performance.
I deeply regret this because I was given a chance to serve the people and the Lord Almighty but I chose to be passive and let myself be affected by what I am.
I missed an opportunity to love the people that matters to me the most. Basically, this is not only about the failed relationships I had. It is also about how I failed to express my utmost concern, care and love for the people close to my heart. This one of my biggest failures. I had been too selfish and self-centered to the point I am already hurting them. I sometimes even think that I'm a freak because what I'm doing is contrary to what's in my heart and mind. I always push them away from me. I don't why.
I'm also very coy when it comes to courtship (or torpe in Filipino). When there's someone that I like very much, I tend to be very meek and timid. Maybe that's also an after effect of being a not sociable person. The farthest thing that I've ever did to court someone was to give her a teddy bear. And it took me all of my guts and courage to give it to her. Maybe that's why I had been also turned down many times by these girls. Yes, I have been turned down for several times already. The latest was just recently.
As I write down these painful memories of the past, it is like I'm slashing off my wrists for the nth time. My tears are literally gushing off my eyes and I'm writing this at this very late hour because I don't want my family to see me cry again.
But like what they say, healing cannot start if you do not experience being hurt or the pain of it.
Next Part: I Should Have Done That
Image copyright by Jose Dennio. P. Lim Jr.