Trying NOT to be a BIG FAILURE again

I started it with my failures in life and my regrets in the past. This one's a continuation of the series of posts I made as a way of 'celebrating' my 20th birthday this year.

Although things are still not doing well these past few months, especially with my online business, I'm trying hard not to break down again. In fact, there had been numerous occasions in the past wherein things like this happen to me.

I am at this stage where I'm trying to fit in the fallen pieces into my life again when suddenly another unfortunate incident would happen. It would try to ruin my life again. It would try to hamper what I had been trying to do - recover and move on.

But sometimes, good things just happen to help me overcome them.

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When I was kicked out of UP, I thought that going away from my family and trying to live alone for 10 years would be my best option to protect my family from the shame that I'd be giving to them. I was then thinking of hiding for 10 years and I would only return if I had been able to establish myself and finished college somewhere else.

But that didn't happen.

Instead, a day before the start of classes I told them that I failed. Though I've felt that they were deeply disappointed at what happened to me, they never showed it. I wanted to tell them that school does not interests me anymore. I would rather work until my interest in studying gets back. But they have instead told me what to do next.

Immediately the next day, they enrolled me at my younger sister's school. The night before, we were brainstorming for possible courses that I should take up and we ended up with Computer Science.

I have to admit, parents really know what's best for us because it somehow gave me new hope that I can still change the course of my life and mend my ways.

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If you're going to ask me if things had been much better since that fateful day, in some aspects, it had been much better. Though I still do things that will cause me to go back again to what I've been before, I'm trying to drop them off one at a time. Making things better for me is really hard. I have to face everything that I tried to ran away these past few years. I have to break through the walls I built around me. I have to make sure that I won't repeat the same mistakes again.

Actually, life had been a little bit harder for me. It is not because I've got many new problems in my life. But it is due to my attempts at 'rehabilitating and rebuilding' my life again. Every step, every turn should be in the right direction. Detours are no longer allowed. Running on reverse would just make me go back again to zero. Everything has to move forward. Everything should be in progressive motion.

I had to drop off my insecurities, fears, disbelief and pessimism. I had to throw away unnecessary baggage that had been slowing me down. I should tame myself into indulging in things which have been proven to be bad for me. I had to promise and keep on promising to myself that I won't take a u-turn and start all over again.

Easily said but difficult to do.

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Right now, I'm still struggling with all of the things that I need to get rid off. I'm still at the crossroads of my life wherein good and evil is trying to get me to their side. I still fall down and obtain several bruises. I had been still doing some of the things that made my past miserable.

But what's different is that I don't linger much on my sadness, pain and failures. I let myself grieve for a while, feel the pain and learn a lesson. Then I gather all of my courage and strength to move on - trying hard not to redo it again.

Above it all, life now is much better despite the continuing barrage by the evil forces inside me and coming from below. Someone from above made me realize again that 'man without God is nothing.'

I am still nothing. But with His help and my continuous prayer of thanksgiving and plea for help, life won't be the same again.

Disclaimer: Despite what I've said, I still do not consider myself as a good 'Christian'. That's also one of my struggles, to become one and never leave His side again.

Image Copyright by Jose Dennio P. Lim Jr.

On Photo: One of my friends in my current school, Mr. Jarkie Miranda, it was a spur of the moment shot and it is not scripted. I happen to be holding my digicam and I saw the scene as worthy to be immortalized on a photo. :)

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This One Made My Day

Click to enlarge.

Before I continue with the series of posts that I have lined up, I would to share with you what made my day today despite the current problems that I'm facing right now.

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As you can see with my previous post, I joined the Blog Action Day event yesterday with the theme "The Real Heroes of EDSA." It was an on the spot post I made so I can join other bloggers in remembering who were the real people that made EDSA Revolution possible. I decided to talk about our family's hidden history of activism - which until now is still not clear.

It was a product of 'Freudian slips' of my parents which I reflected on as I write my post. As I have said, I cannot claim that my parents had actually been 'activists' during those days but from what I know, I have a small hint that they have been so.

Just like my other blog posts, I usually squeeze out the literary juices out of my mind during the wee hours of the morning - after wasting my time playing games in Facebook and reading several sites. I have to apologize everyday to my parents if the tapping of the keyboard awakens them. It is because from where I am right now, I'm a mere meter away from their room which is not enclosed so any noise coming from outside can be heard in their room.

And so as I was cleaning my inbox, I came across an email from Kabataan Partylist which contains a link to a write-up about yesterday's Blog Action Day. I was reading the article until I got into the middle part. I was really surprised to see my blog mentioned and quoted on the news article in abs-cbnnews.com. It is an honor that I had been mentioned alongside prolific bloggers like Tonyo Cruz. But aside from that, this had been my first time to be mentioned at least in a news article.

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Actually, this is not a big deal for me since my primary aim for writing is not to be featured anywhere else but just to express everything that I have in mind. Getting acclaim from others or being mentioned is just an added seasoning to my life as a 'writer'.

But because this is a first in my life. Allow me to be quite sentimental.

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The first person that I've thanked for what happened was my teacher in high school, Mrs. Rona Gallego-Sabino whom I owe much of my passion for writing now. She happens to be online at Facebook and I thanked her for the chance she gave me back in high school to write for our school paper. It was one of the defining moments of my life that made me love writing. Thank you again Ma'am Rona.

But of course, everything else belongs to the One who created everything in this world and bless each of us with his grace and love. Without his grace, I won't be able to write and spill out my thoughts and emotions in paper or in my blogs.

For everything Lord, despite all of the struggles that I'm still into, thank you very much.

Thank you for always making my day.

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They Tried to Forget But Failed

This post is made for Blog Action Day: The Real Heroes of EDSA in commemoration of the bloodless revolution by the people 24 years ago that toppled the brutal Marcos dictatorship.

I couldn't think of a befitting for my post for today's Blog Action Day but the one you can see above. Why? Because people close to me who had been around on that fateful day evaded my answers but I saw something in their eyes which cannot lie: they had never forgotten.

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As far as I remember, I've been asking quite a lot of questions to my parents about where they are during the EDSA Revolution of 1986. If my memory serves me right, my father told me that he was still currently on duty that day as a security guard at Glenmore Shoes in Manila - that once famous shoe shop frequently visited by the stars of that time. But beyond that, he told me nothing.

Just yesterday, I've tried to ask my mother again where was she during those time. She just told me that she was in Navotas, their home then after they have left and returned here in Bulacan. Just like my father, no more stories after that.

Of course, I have to believe them they're telling the truth since they're my parents. But beyond that, I knew that from their answers I could squeeze out something.

They were not present in EDSA then but they are one with the millions of Filipinos desiring for freedom and democracy.

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Blame it on what they call 'Freudian slip', in some of our small talks they mentioned to me that they were once joining in the rallies of that time.

I believe my father joined several rallies before the Martial Law had been imposed and my mother mentioned to me joining in a strike of teachers then. (She was then a member of progressive teachers group)

But that was it. After that they would tell me of stories like their leaders would usually be the first one to run away if things get awry. My father told a story wherein they were left to fend off for themselves when the police started to disperse the rally. My mother told a story wherein after the strike, several teachers were suspended. That discouraged them from joining any more strikes.

That's why they had been discouraging us (including my sister) from joining such groups and rallies. They told us that 'we are just being used by rich individuals promoting their interests and that they are exploiting our idealism and radical views to advance their selfish cause.'

An activist in UP told me that probably the one who lead the demonstration then and the rich people that my father was talking about were some sort of a leaders that the so-called 'rejectionists' have in their fold.

But with the little that I knew about what my parents did during that period cemented my belief that we are indeed a 'nationalistic' family.

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My parents are trying hard to bury the past. I somehow have a hint that they were once 'activists'. But they know that it can't be hidden because right now, the one who's typing this post is a by-product of their nationalistic sentiments and ideals - and he's willing to continue the fight.

I can't blame them. They could have not been better informed and educated by the importance of the cause that they were fighting for. Despite that, I knew deep in their hearts that they still long to see a Philippines truly free.

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EDSA is not only about the people who went there and the hard-liners who believe that it brought about 'long-lasting' changes in our society and believes that two is enough.

EDSA is not only about the 'miracle' that happened during that four day drama on the streets.

EDSA is not only about Cory Aquino, Cardinal Sin, Juan Ponce Enrile, Butz Aquino and other figures of that period.

EDSA is also about the pessimistic Filipino people who had not been there, and felt betrayed by the cause.

EDSA is also about those who discredits what happened then and tells everyone else that nothing has really changed since then and nothing would really change even if we go out again to the streets.

EDSA is also about our parents who persuade us from joining these progressive movements and mass actions.

Why?

Because no matter how hard they try to convince us that EDSA meant nothing and all is not worth fighting for, they themselves still believe that someone has to take up the unfinished cause and go on with the struggle.

They tried hard to bury all the memories of the past, hide the struggles that they partake, but they have failed. Little did they know that they were planting the very seeds of the fruit of what they had done in the past, making themselves the true heroes of EDSA who lives up to its spirit.

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