Trying NOT to be a BIG FAILURE again

I started it with my failures in life and my regrets in the past. This one's a continuation of the series of posts I made as a way of 'celebrating' my 20th birthday this year.

Although things are still not doing well these past few months, especially with my online business, I'm trying hard not to break down again. In fact, there had been numerous occasions in the past wherein things like this happen to me.

I am at this stage where I'm trying to fit in the fallen pieces into my life again when suddenly another unfortunate incident would happen. It would try to ruin my life again. It would try to hamper what I had been trying to do - recover and move on.

But sometimes, good things just happen to help me overcome them.

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When I was kicked out of UP, I thought that going away from my family and trying to live alone for 10 years would be my best option to protect my family from the shame that I'd be giving to them. I was then thinking of hiding for 10 years and I would only return if I had been able to establish myself and finished college somewhere else.

But that didn't happen.

Instead, a day before the start of classes I told them that I failed. Though I've felt that they were deeply disappointed at what happened to me, they never showed it. I wanted to tell them that school does not interests me anymore. I would rather work until my interest in studying gets back. But they have instead told me what to do next.

Immediately the next day, they enrolled me at my younger sister's school. The night before, we were brainstorming for possible courses that I should take up and we ended up with Computer Science.

I have to admit, parents really know what's best for us because it somehow gave me new hope that I can still change the course of my life and mend my ways.

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If you're going to ask me if things had been much better since that fateful day, in some aspects, it had been much better. Though I still do things that will cause me to go back again to what I've been before, I'm trying to drop them off one at a time. Making things better for me is really hard. I have to face everything that I tried to ran away these past few years. I have to break through the walls I built around me. I have to make sure that I won't repeat the same mistakes again.

Actually, life had been a little bit harder for me. It is not because I've got many new problems in my life. But it is due to my attempts at 'rehabilitating and rebuilding' my life again. Every step, every turn should be in the right direction. Detours are no longer allowed. Running on reverse would just make me go back again to zero. Everything has to move forward. Everything should be in progressive motion.

I had to drop off my insecurities, fears, disbelief and pessimism. I had to throw away unnecessary baggage that had been slowing me down. I should tame myself into indulging in things which have been proven to be bad for me. I had to promise and keep on promising to myself that I won't take a u-turn and start all over again.

Easily said but difficult to do.

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Right now, I'm still struggling with all of the things that I need to get rid off. I'm still at the crossroads of my life wherein good and evil is trying to get me to their side. I still fall down and obtain several bruises. I had been still doing some of the things that made my past miserable.

But what's different is that I don't linger much on my sadness, pain and failures. I let myself grieve for a while, feel the pain and learn a lesson. Then I gather all of my courage and strength to move on - trying hard not to redo it again.

Above it all, life now is much better despite the continuing barrage by the evil forces inside me and coming from below. Someone from above made me realize again that 'man without God is nothing.'

I am still nothing. But with His help and my continuous prayer of thanksgiving and plea for help, life won't be the same again.

Disclaimer: Despite what I've said, I still do not consider myself as a good 'Christian'. That's also one of my struggles, to become one and never leave His side again.

Image Copyright by Jose Dennio P. Lim Jr.

On Photo: One of my friends in my current school, Mr. Jarkie Miranda, it was a spur of the moment shot and it is not scripted. I happen to be holding my digicam and I saw the scene as worthy to be immortalized on a photo. :)

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