Trying NOT to be a BIG FAILURE again

I started it with my failures in life and my regrets in the past. This one's a continuation of the series of posts I made as a way of 'celebrating' my 20th birthday this year.

Although things are still not doing well these past few months, especially with my online business, I'm trying hard not to break down again. In fact, there had been numerous occasions in the past wherein things like this happen to me.

I am at this stage where I'm trying to fit in the fallen pieces into my life again when suddenly another unfortunate incident would happen. It would try to ruin my life again. It would try to hamper what I had been trying to do - recover and move on.

But sometimes, good things just happen to help me overcome them.

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When I was kicked out of UP, I thought that going away from my family and trying to live alone for 10 years would be my best option to protect my family from the shame that I'd be giving to them. I was then thinking of hiding for 10 years and I would only return if I had been able to establish myself and finished college somewhere else.

But that didn't happen.

Instead, a day before the start of classes I told them that I failed. Though I've felt that they were deeply disappointed at what happened to me, they never showed it. I wanted to tell them that school does not interests me anymore. I would rather work until my interest in studying gets back. But they have instead told me what to do next.

Immediately the next day, they enrolled me at my younger sister's school. The night before, we were brainstorming for possible courses that I should take up and we ended up with Computer Science.

I have to admit, parents really know what's best for us because it somehow gave me new hope that I can still change the course of my life and mend my ways.

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If you're going to ask me if things had been much better since that fateful day, in some aspects, it had been much better. Though I still do things that will cause me to go back again to what I've been before, I'm trying to drop them off one at a time. Making things better for me is really hard. I have to face everything that I tried to ran away these past few years. I have to break through the walls I built around me. I have to make sure that I won't repeat the same mistakes again.

Actually, life had been a little bit harder for me. It is not because I've got many new problems in my life. But it is due to my attempts at 'rehabilitating and rebuilding' my life again. Every step, every turn should be in the right direction. Detours are no longer allowed. Running on reverse would just make me go back again to zero. Everything has to move forward. Everything should be in progressive motion.

I had to drop off my insecurities, fears, disbelief and pessimism. I had to throw away unnecessary baggage that had been slowing me down. I should tame myself into indulging in things which have been proven to be bad for me. I had to promise and keep on promising to myself that I won't take a u-turn and start all over again.

Easily said but difficult to do.

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Right now, I'm still struggling with all of the things that I need to get rid off. I'm still at the crossroads of my life wherein good and evil is trying to get me to their side. I still fall down and obtain several bruises. I had been still doing some of the things that made my past miserable.

But what's different is that I don't linger much on my sadness, pain and failures. I let myself grieve for a while, feel the pain and learn a lesson. Then I gather all of my courage and strength to move on - trying hard not to redo it again.

Above it all, life now is much better despite the continuing barrage by the evil forces inside me and coming from below. Someone from above made me realize again that 'man without God is nothing.'

I am still nothing. But with His help and my continuous prayer of thanksgiving and plea for help, life won't be the same again.

Disclaimer: Despite what I've said, I still do not consider myself as a good 'Christian'. That's also one of my struggles, to become one and never leave His side again.

Image Copyright by Jose Dennio P. Lim Jr.

On Photo: One of my friends in my current school, Mr. Jarkie Miranda, it was a spur of the moment shot and it is not scripted. I happen to be holding my digicam and I saw the scene as worthy to be immortalized on a photo. :)

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This One Made My Day

Click to enlarge.

Before I continue with the series of posts that I have lined up, I would to share with you what made my day today despite the current problems that I'm facing right now.

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As you can see with my previous post, I joined the Blog Action Day event yesterday with the theme "The Real Heroes of EDSA." It was an on the spot post I made so I can join other bloggers in remembering who were the real people that made EDSA Revolution possible. I decided to talk about our family's hidden history of activism - which until now is still not clear.

It was a product of 'Freudian slips' of my parents which I reflected on as I write my post. As I have said, I cannot claim that my parents had actually been 'activists' during those days but from what I know, I have a small hint that they have been so.

Just like my other blog posts, I usually squeeze out the literary juices out of my mind during the wee hours of the morning - after wasting my time playing games in Facebook and reading several sites. I have to apologize everyday to my parents if the tapping of the keyboard awakens them. It is because from where I am right now, I'm a mere meter away from their room which is not enclosed so any noise coming from outside can be heard in their room.

And so as I was cleaning my inbox, I came across an email from Kabataan Partylist which contains a link to a write-up about yesterday's Blog Action Day. I was reading the article until I got into the middle part. I was really surprised to see my blog mentioned and quoted on the news article in abs-cbnnews.com. It is an honor that I had been mentioned alongside prolific bloggers like Tonyo Cruz. But aside from that, this had been my first time to be mentioned at least in a news article.

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Actually, this is not a big deal for me since my primary aim for writing is not to be featured anywhere else but just to express everything that I have in mind. Getting acclaim from others or being mentioned is just an added seasoning to my life as a 'writer'.

But because this is a first in my life. Allow me to be quite sentimental.

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The first person that I've thanked for what happened was my teacher in high school, Mrs. Rona Gallego-Sabino whom I owe much of my passion for writing now. She happens to be online at Facebook and I thanked her for the chance she gave me back in high school to write for our school paper. It was one of the defining moments of my life that made me love writing. Thank you again Ma'am Rona.

But of course, everything else belongs to the One who created everything in this world and bless each of us with his grace and love. Without his grace, I won't be able to write and spill out my thoughts and emotions in paper or in my blogs.

For everything Lord, despite all of the struggles that I'm still into, thank you very much.

Thank you for always making my day.

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They Tried to Forget But Failed

This post is made for Blog Action Day: The Real Heroes of EDSA in commemoration of the bloodless revolution by the people 24 years ago that toppled the brutal Marcos dictatorship.

I couldn't think of a befitting for my post for today's Blog Action Day but the one you can see above. Why? Because people close to me who had been around on that fateful day evaded my answers but I saw something in their eyes which cannot lie: they had never forgotten.

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As far as I remember, I've been asking quite a lot of questions to my parents about where they are during the EDSA Revolution of 1986. If my memory serves me right, my father told me that he was still currently on duty that day as a security guard at Glenmore Shoes in Manila - that once famous shoe shop frequently visited by the stars of that time. But beyond that, he told me nothing.

Just yesterday, I've tried to ask my mother again where was she during those time. She just told me that she was in Navotas, their home then after they have left and returned here in Bulacan. Just like my father, no more stories after that.

Of course, I have to believe them they're telling the truth since they're my parents. But beyond that, I knew that from their answers I could squeeze out something.

They were not present in EDSA then but they are one with the millions of Filipinos desiring for freedom and democracy.

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Blame it on what they call 'Freudian slip', in some of our small talks they mentioned to me that they were once joining in the rallies of that time.

I believe my father joined several rallies before the Martial Law had been imposed and my mother mentioned to me joining in a strike of teachers then. (She was then a member of progressive teachers group)

But that was it. After that they would tell me of stories like their leaders would usually be the first one to run away if things get awry. My father told a story wherein they were left to fend off for themselves when the police started to disperse the rally. My mother told a story wherein after the strike, several teachers were suspended. That discouraged them from joining any more strikes.

That's why they had been discouraging us (including my sister) from joining such groups and rallies. They told us that 'we are just being used by rich individuals promoting their interests and that they are exploiting our idealism and radical views to advance their selfish cause.'

An activist in UP told me that probably the one who lead the demonstration then and the rich people that my father was talking about were some sort of a leaders that the so-called 'rejectionists' have in their fold.

But with the little that I knew about what my parents did during that period cemented my belief that we are indeed a 'nationalistic' family.

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My parents are trying hard to bury the past. I somehow have a hint that they were once 'activists'. But they know that it can't be hidden because right now, the one who's typing this post is a by-product of their nationalistic sentiments and ideals - and he's willing to continue the fight.

I can't blame them. They could have not been better informed and educated by the importance of the cause that they were fighting for. Despite that, I knew deep in their hearts that they still long to see a Philippines truly free.

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EDSA is not only about the people who went there and the hard-liners who believe that it brought about 'long-lasting' changes in our society and believes that two is enough.

EDSA is not only about the 'miracle' that happened during that four day drama on the streets.

EDSA is not only about Cory Aquino, Cardinal Sin, Juan Ponce Enrile, Butz Aquino and other figures of that period.

EDSA is also about the pessimistic Filipino people who had not been there, and felt betrayed by the cause.

EDSA is also about those who discredits what happened then and tells everyone else that nothing has really changed since then and nothing would really change even if we go out again to the streets.

EDSA is also about our parents who persuade us from joining these progressive movements and mass actions.

Why?

Because no matter how hard they try to convince us that EDSA meant nothing and all is not worth fighting for, they themselves still believe that someone has to take up the unfinished cause and go on with the struggle.

They tried hard to bury all the memories of the past, hide the struggles that they partake, but they have failed. Little did they know that they were planting the very seeds of the fruit of what they had done in the past, making themselves the true heroes of EDSA who lives up to its spirit.

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I'm a BIG FAILURE (Part 2)

To know more about why I have these series of posts, see this article.

I'm sorry if my previous post had been so long that it would have probably bored you to hell. I've tried to shorten it but no matter how hard I try, I felt the need for you to know those things so you can better understand me why I say such weird things in this blog.

Now let me tell you about things that I should have done but didn't because again of fear of the unknown, lack of self-esteem and belief that I should do it rather than stay passive and expect for the worse to come.

To begin with, these are actually the things that I should have done so I did not missed out lots of opportunities that had been coming to me. These are things that I have regretted for not doing it.

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I should have just stayed a little longer in UP and tried to study hard. I should not have given up easily on that one subject that I got a grade of five. I should have not let myself to become affected and disturbed by what happened. I should have instead brushed it off and moved on. After all, I'm still in UP then. But I didn't. So there I am, I was expelled.

I should have never let my father think that it was that progressive, activist group who influenced me not to study well. It was solely my fault. In fact, I was not attending any EDs or meetings after two months of somehow being active. I should have instead proven that I can both study well and be active in that group. But I didn't.

I should have not let myself to fall in love when I was in high school. I should have controlled myself and tried to focus on my studies. I should have not lowered down my defenses. For later on, it had only led me to much deeper troubles, anguish and sorrow that had affected me so much. I should have waited until I have finished college. But I didn't.

I should have been more active in the church organization that I joined in. I should have not let my erratic socialization blues hampered me from getting out of my way to get to know them. I should have not let 'fear of rejection' to rule over me. Changing a big part of me could have been much easier if I had a Christian companion who can constantly remind me of the things that I ought to do as a good Christian Catholic. But I didn't.

I should have been more kind with my words. I should have uttered loving words to lift up those around me. Words that could have been used to praise or compliment someone instead of denouncing them. I should have used the right words so that others may understood me. I should have been truthful in my words and have not spun a web of lies that have only trapped and led me to a stagnant life. But I didn't.

I should have made wiser decisions in the past. Decisions that should have made my life better. I should have not let my emotions took over my intellect. I should have thought a thousand times before I've decided. It should have been that way and my life could have been in better light now. But I didn't.

I should have leaned on my family and friends during the tumultuous phase of my life. They could have given me better advices, better support that I won't get from being alone. But instead, I refused to be helped by them. I had pushed all of them away from me. I let myself suffer alone - which had not been easy. I should have let them know what's happening and helped me get out of the mess I've created. But I didn't.

I should have looked on the brighter side of life. Being pessimistic made me miserable. I have just lost everything. I had been afraid to take on the challenges of life. I have not been able to enjoy my life completely these past few years. I should have not let myself be drowned by my inhibitions, fear and gutlessness to rob me of my chance to live my life to the fullest. But I didn't.

I should have not despised God in the past. This is one of the things I regret the most. I blamed God for everything bad that happened to me. From my failed courtship with my first love to being expelled in UP to falling for the same sin all over again - all of this I've blamed to God. I should have instead been all out in praising Him and offering all of the trials and sufferings that I'm enduring. That would have made my journey lighter. But I didn't.

Things that I should have done. Things that I should not have done.

And so all of this I regret with a heavy heart.

Image Copyright by Jose Dennio P. Lim Jr.

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Bringing Back the Memories

The past four years of my life had been chronicled in the different blogs I had in the past. In line with my 20th birthday this year, I'm bringing back some of the old posts I had in the past. You may find some posts contradicting to what I am saying now but that I think is part of the process in life that we call 'change.' You will see my evolution from someone who seems not to care about the world to someone who wanted to change everything yet cannot change himself.

After all, there is nothing permanent in this world but change.

As I slowly 'bring back the good old memories of the past', let me not hasten the 'import' feature and process present in Blogger. Allow me to process in the memories and let myself to grieve, to rejoice and relearn the lessons I may have forgotten.

I may also be editing it not to remove some lines or paragraphs that would completely be opposite to what I say now but in terms of its alignment, spacing and adding pictures - to make it look like as same as the other posts here. I won't take out anything from my posts just to make them fit to my current views and beliefs in life.

In the mean time, let me introduce you to some of the earliest blog posts I made way back in 2006. Back then, my blog's named The Dennio Series 2006. Still existing but obviously, I no longer update it and as soon as I finish importing my blog posts, I'll be bringing them down. :)

UNANG POST - obviously, my very first entry into the blogosphere.

ANG HINIHINGI - I don't know what prompted me to write this post or who asked me to write it but nevertheless, it shows how very much interested I am in Philippine trivia and history.

PAPEL - a personal reflection on paper - its uses and significance in our life. My first attempt to be 'philosophical'.

PHILIPPINE FIRSTS - like what I've said, I have a deep interest in everything about the Philippines.

REAL LOVE - a post that contains a story taken from "St. George and the Dragon, and the Quest for the Holy Grail by Edward Hayes" that I've seen as an excerpt in one of my religion books. All how can we distinguish what is God's love from what is not. A timely repost for the Lenten Season and the upcoming elections.

That would be all for now. In the mean time, part two of my previous post will be posted soon.

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I'm a BIG FAILURE (Part 1)

I don't know how it started. I just woke up one day having this feeling. I don't know how it's called. But after several years of struggles, missed opportunities, confusion and trials that I never surpassed, I've suddenly realized what is it all about. I've learned a painful truth about myself: I'm a BIG FAILURE - literally and figuratively.

It wasn't just being a failure to my family. What's more painful is that it was also about failing myself.

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A lot of times, I failed myself because of missed opportunities. Opportunities that were given to me in a silver platter yet I never grabbed it because of fear of the unknown, lame excuses and lack of faith that this opportunity and chance is really meant for me. And so, I've done it several times and never learned from it.

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I missed an opportunity at grade school to become the student government's president. But you can't blame me then since it was an impromptu announcement. They did not inform me before that morning program. And so, like what every child does, I cried because I don't know what to do. But years later, I've regretted that ill decision I made. I'll never had another opportunity like that until I came to college. They offered me to run for as councilor for student council but my academic standing then won't allow me. This leads me to another missed opportunity.

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I missed an opportunity to graduate in UP. Before I've entered the university, everyone was of high regard for me. I was supposedly the first one in our family to enter that university. But I failed them and myself. Of course, all of the blame goes to me. It all started with a hunch and ended with my lost of interest to study. After all, it wasn't my dream school. But because of the prestige it has, not to mention the affordable tuition then, I had to study there. Now, I still regret what I had done during my stint at UP. Lots of ifs and could have been are propping up in my mind every time.

I missed an opportunity to excel much better in school. I have admitted this before even to my parents: my enthusiasm and interest for studying has waned over the years. This lost passion I had for studying could be blamed on what I had been doing. Or as what my father had told me, because I had been not focused and tends to do so many things at the same time.

But that is the main reason why I am doing those things: I simply lost the appetite and craving I had for high grades and excellent academic performance that I had in elementary and high school. With this, I don't really have much regrets because it opened me up to more opportunities even if studies was compromised.

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I missed an opportunity to become involved in worthy organizations. I would always be enthusiastic at the start. But as days goes by and after few more weeks of mingling with them, 'pagtambay', and joining some activities, I would lose my interest. The reason? Most of the time, I feel that I'm not welcome. But upon much deeper reflection, I've came to realize that I'm not a sociable person. I don't know how to socialize and this is one of the many things that I'm trying to get over now in my present school so that same things that happened to me before in UP won't have its repeat performance.

I deeply regret this because I was given a chance to serve the people and the Lord Almighty but I chose to be passive and let myself be affected by what I am.

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I missed an opportunity to love the people that matters to me the most. Basically, this is not only about the failed relationships I had. It is also about how I failed to express my utmost concern, care and love for the people close to my heart. This one of my biggest failures. I had been too selfish and self-centered to the point I am already hurting them. I sometimes even think that I'm a freak because what I'm doing is contrary to what's in my heart and mind. I always push them away from me. I don't why.

I'm also very coy when it comes to courtship (or torpe in Filipino). When there's someone that I like very much, I tend to be very meek and timid. Maybe that's also an after effect of being a not sociable person. The farthest thing that I've ever did to court someone was to give her a teddy bear. And it took me all of my guts and courage to give it to her. Maybe that's why I had been also turned down many times by these girls. Yes, I have been turned down for several times already. The latest was just recently.

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As I write down these painful memories of the past, it is like I'm slashing off my wrists for the nth time. My tears are literally gushing off my eyes and I'm writing this at this very late hour because I don't want my family to see me cry again.

But like what they say, healing cannot start if you do not experience being hurt or the pain of it.

Next Part: I Should Have Done That

Image copyright by Jose Dennio. P. Lim Jr.

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20 Years of Existence

Who would've ever thought that a boy born twenty years ago on the 10th day of March would live to see this day? Who would've ever thought that he would live a not-so ordinary and bizarre life? Who would've known that he would fall down several times but manages to stand up again? No one.

Even I who tried to live 'normal' by being just one of them didn't know that I would end up being 'not one of them.' I'm not saying that I'm extra special, or extra unique but on what have unfolded in the past 20 years of my life, it seemed to me that I'm doing things, acting out and thinking quite different from those of my age.

Even though, I still don't consider myself mature enough to take on life. I still have certain whims that needs to be controlled, certain unknown parts of my life that needs to be fixed - though I don't have a plan yet to mature. Because I've developed a belief this past few years that once I get mature, there's no other way for me to go down and rot.

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Almost all details, happenings of the first ten years of my life are known by everyone especially my family, relatives and closest friends. They know how I acted when I was a kid, how my life had been almost taken away from me and how I excelled in my academics. I know how they look up to me and all of the high regard they have for me.

But almost everything that had happened during the half of my existence, almost no one knows but me and myself. Some were eventually made known such as my expulsion from that prestigious university to my membership in a progressive, activist group to my brief 'love episodes.' But still, majority of what is happening to me and what I do when no one's looking around is still a mystery to my family and closest friends.

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To celebrate my 20 years of existence here on earth, I would like to share personal stories of my life: known and unknown, here on my blog so people may better know and understand the kind of person I am today.

I'll be spilling out long kept secrets that I think that I should let everyone know not because I simply wanted them to know but to help free myself from the bondage of the past which had been dragging along these past few years.

I'll let my family and friends know why I ended up to where I am today.

But above all, I'm sharing these stories so you would learn from what I've been through and so you will never end up the way I am right now.

I'm starting these series of stories with a mindset that I'm a BIG FAILURE, but I'll end my series with a mindset that I'm a BIG WINNER that is out there to take on life on the coming years of my life.

Image Copyright by Jose Dennio P. Lim Jr.

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Resurrection

In time for my 20th birthday, I am resurrecting my blog again after so much had happened in the past few months. More stories from me. More topics that no one would dare to talk about. I had just realized last week how much I missed blogging. I miss the bashing of my 'fans'. I miss the comments that some would leave on my posts. I miss the sound of keys tapping on my keyboard to produce posts for my blog that are borne out of my experience and sometimes, erratic views in life.

Well, here I am again. Just like what had happened in my past blogs: everyone wouldn't notice that I had disappeared and just like a thief at night, I'll be back without everyone noticing it.

A few rants:

I've notice that quite a lot of bloggers are using images taken from the web. There's nothing wrong with that since the internet is a public domain and unless you declare it, you're practically letting everyone else to use your work, especially images or pictures. But for those who use them, please be courteous enough to acknowledge them at the beginning or end of your posts by linking it to the source where you got them.

Election time is here and I am here again to promote KABATAAN PARTYLIST for the upcoming elections. But why am I supporting this group since 2007 when they first ran under that name? (They ran under the name ANAK NG BAYAN before but because they had been mistaken by some BEIs in crediting the votes to AKBAYAN which they thought were one and the same, they lost the election thus prompting them to change their name.)

As of this moment, I still don't have a candidate in mind that I will be supporting for president. That's why I'm coming up with a series of posts about these candidates on why or why should we not vote for them. Coming soon.

This year's my second decade of existence on earth. This year means a lot to me not because I'm lucky (according to Western astrology and Chinese astrology) but because of everything that I've been through and that when I was young, I never saw myself to last up to the age of 20. More on this later.

Image Copyright by Jose Dennio P. Lim Jr.

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Need Help!! On Web Hosting, Wordpress, etc.

Ako po iyan. :D

Ok so it had been months since my last post here and finally after being on a long hiatus because of certain events (which I'd spill the details much later), I would like to ask help from my fellow bloggers here on how I can migrate my blog to Wordpress.

Aside from that, I would also want to know what's the best web host for that and the best domain name hosting that you could recommend me. :) I really want to upgrade my blog into something that looks like more professional in line with my month long projects before my 20th birthday this March.

And so dahil may 'digicam' na 'kami' (pero ako lagi may hawak, haha..) asahan na ang mga larawang kupas ko sa blog na ito. :) Pero bago ang lahat, tulungun niyo ako ha? :D

I really do hope you could all help me. Salamat sa mga tutugon!

Sincerely,